Masturbation Tips for Travelling Preachers

Good morning, dear readers!

Today I am off around Lancashire visitng the other Mrs Preacher-Men. We like to get together for a good gossip and sharing tips on pastoral care, beating the peasants and so on. I can't take Gert with me, alas, as she makes my suitcase smell of cabbage and Mr Preacher-Man gets suspicious (he knows I hate cabbage, which is why I put it all on his plate). It gets lonely on the road, so I have a few tips on keeping oneself happy...

1) Take you time

There is nothing worse than feeling rushed for killing off all your hard efforts. I like to put on a George Fornby LP in the background and not stop till the end. It often means the rolling pin gets worn down somewhat, but we all have to bear our cross. Eeeee!

2) Get to know your body

Take the time to get to know what you like and be prepared to experiment. Masturbation is not like beating peasants - there will be no loss of reputation if you don't not find the sweet spot on the first attempt.

3) Try to relax

There is nothing worse than feeling stressed and if you are preoccupied with other things, like whether the church flower arrangements are satisfactory or the affect of costal erosion on our green and pleasant land, the chances are you will find it hard to get 'in the mood'. A good cursing psalm aimed at Yorkshire is a sure-fire stress-buster.

4) Mood music and decor

Try to ensure the room you are in is conjusive. Turn down the lighting or use candles if you can. I know this can be a bit difficult if you are staying in a peasant's cardboard box, but do try if you can. Suitable music can both get you in the mood and drown out the noise of your groaning, so you can let yourself go. For me, it is George all the way. Gert likes 'This is how we do it' and 'Summer Holiday'.

5) Shake your booty

Lying or sitting there being static will not help matters. Please feel free to move around; it will help your body. Be careful not to overdo things though. Once, I was staying in a rather flimsy cottage on the border (I fear a small amount of Yorkshire had infected the populus) and rocked the bed so much, it burst through the wall. The Mr Precher-Man who owned the cottage was not pleased....

6) Breathe

You should already know how to do this. Otherwise, it would be necrophilia, and you could get arrested.

7) Fantasy

Let your mind wander to far-off places. As lovely as Lancashire is, it is not all there is. The one area of your life your local Mrs Preacher-Man has no conrol over is your imagination, so be as dirty as you like. I like to think of Gert feeding me a good meat pie while stroking my breasts, which I'm sure you'll agree is pretty outrageous stuff. If anyone ever found out, I'd have to stick forks in my legs and arms.

So, there you go! You could, as well, use a sex toy or have a photo of your nearest and dearest to hand to keep you desires under control. I'm off to Clitheroe. Eeeee.